The Steelers versus the Browns tonight on…


What the flea-flicker? How are Lambert’s Lunatics, the Kardiac Kids, and Dollar General shoppers supposed to watch their home team? These Internets are destroying Huh-merica! Thanks Goodell!

Amazon Prime? What’s that? Did Disney turn another superhero gay or into a girl or into something else that makes me feel weird about myself? Optimus Prime is a man! The way god made him.

It’s only Week 2 (or is it 3?) and even Mina Kimes admits it’s too soon to know anything about this season. But the all-seeing, all-knowing Vegas sports books have bet neither team is destined for much. Even if tonight’s exhibition miraculously erupts into a high-scoring highlight reel exploding with circus catches and concussion-inducing collisions, it’s still a race to the bottom of the AFC North.

That won’t stop the Bezoszon announcers from hyping this legendary, this fabled, this mythic rivalry between two of the most storied teams in league history. They’ll show low-def clips from yesteryear. They’ll profile proud working-class fans from proud blue-collar neighborhoods proudly getting smashed in tax-subsidized stadium parking lots on bygone Sunday mornings. You’ll be able to cut the nostalgia with a broken Iron City beer bottle.

So, why would Bezoszon outbid its network rivals for an inconsequential, potentially unwatchable, cornhole of a matchup?

This is a hostage situation. The Bezoszon math nerds have hijacked the proud, proud fans’ sense of allegiance. Their data tells them Rustbelt loyalty will send the Dawg Pound and Franco’s Italian Army scrounging through sock drawers in search of credit cards needed to finally submit to “membership.” The Washington Commies are the most deplorable organization in the NFL, not us! Make the Browns Great Again!

If your expired credit card is declined or your niece can’t drag you through the digital sign-up over your landline, don’t fret. Next week, Bezoszon’s infernal algorithm will goose its subscription numbers by targeting two other American cities ripe for the squeeze. Meanwhile, the Black and Gold, and the Browns will be back on regular old corporate oligopoly network “TV.”

Exactly the way things were meant to be.

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