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The Killards Are Coming

Every damn day in Religion Class, Sister Anna Banana yapped about the Soviets revving up to start a nuclear war with the new president, Ronald Reagan. She said after the cities burned to Holy Hell, there’d be something called “nuclear winter” that would kill all... 

Double-Strength Demon Dogs

Fantastic Freddie was the only altar boy from the Red Brick Alley. He was always consecrating Ritz Crackers and trying to make us eat them like communion wafers. He light-fingered incense from the sacristy, and he blessed water from Old Lady Tully’s spigot...

Laser Loop

I couldn’t see over the tall green school bus seat except when we hit a pothole and I bounced up in the air like a Pop-Tart jumping out of a toaster. Nobody at Saint Augie’s could believe I was allowed to go. My first school picnic ever. I was good from the day I handed in my pink...

The Boy Wonder

How the Hell did Jaggerbush get himself up there? He was clawing his way up into the open window above the Science class door like a real-life gargoyle. The blockhead of a wooden mallet stuck out of the back of his Toughskins where his butt crack was. He wore three...

About The Author


Robert Roman grew up in Pittsburgh, PA, where he sold newspapers to cars from a concrete island. Read more→

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  • Robert Roman

My Own Private Ulysses: Arguing for Centuries

“I’ve put in so many enigmas and puzzles that it will keep the professors busy for centuries arguing over what I meant, and that’s the only way of ensuring one’s immortality.”

- James Joyce on Ulysses (allegedly), Ellmann 521

I have zero desire to be kept busy arguing any longer than it takes to play Wordle. Especially, by a mad Irish genius who carried panties around in his pocket.

But I am down to play Ulysseordle, Telemachordle, Nestordle, Proteordle, Odyssyordle, Calypsordle, Loturdle Eatordler, Hadeordle, Aeolordle, Lestrygordle, Cashordle Boylordle O’Connordle Fitzmaurodle Tisdordlle Farrordlle, Scyllordle andordle Charybdordle, Wordleing Rordle, Sirordles, Cyclopordle, Hokopokordle Harakirordle, Nausicoordle, definitely Gertyordle MacDordle, even Oxordle of the Surdle, Spermatozordle, Circeodle, or Nighttordle for all you Nabokovordle Homerphobordlers, Nostosordle, Eumaeordle, Ithacordle, Penelopordle, Bloomordle, Throwawayordle, McYertle the Turtledovordle, that Lankylookordle Galootordle over there in the Macintordle.

And someday maybe Finnegordle Wakordle.

What’s in your pocket?


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