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The Killards Are Coming

Every damn day in Religion Class, Sister Anna Banana yapped about the Soviets revving up to start a nuclear war with the new president, Ronald Reagan. She said after the cities burned to Holy Hell, there’d be something called “nuclear winter” that would kill all... 

Double-Strength Demon Dogs

Fantastic Freddie was the only altar boy from the Red Brick Alley. He was always consecrating Ritz Crackers and trying to make us eat them like communion wafers. He light-fingered incense from the sacristy, and he blessed water from Old Lady Tully’s spigot...

Laser Loop

I couldn’t see over the tall green school bus seat except when we hit a pothole and I bounced up in the air like a Pop-Tart jumping out of a toaster. Nobody at Saint Augie’s could believe I was allowed to go. My first school picnic ever. I was good from the day I handed in my pink...

The Boy Wonder

How the Hell did Jaggerbush get himself up there? He was clawing his way up into the open window above the Science class door like a real-life gargoyle. The blockhead of a wooden mallet stuck out of the back of his Toughskins where his butt crack was. He wore three...

About The Author


Robert Roman grew up in Pittsburgh, PA, where he sold newspapers to cars from a concrete island. Read more→

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  • Robert Roman

My Own Private Ulysses: Stealin’ & Rhymin’

"LENEHAN: Plagiarist! Down with Bloom!"

- Ulysses, James Joyce

Dishonor student why do you insist,                   

On cribbing Ulysses to look astute?                   

You’re not Grade A, you’re not even D-List.           

So sit down and shut up and please stay mute.         

Unacademic All-American,                               

Why do you steal from Joyce’s masterpiece?            

Between you, there’s zero comparison.                 

So, do your worst, your worth will not increase.      

You’re less than nada, the cream of the crap          

Inside your skull, you’re no brain and all stem.      

You’re zilch cum laude, so don the dunce cap.         

Accept life’s lot, you’re the phlegm de la crème.     

Whoa, if my jack of Joyce makes the crowd jeer,

Wait till they realize this rips off Shakespeare.



Stay tuned for more stolen sonnets.

Same scheming time, same cheating channel.


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