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The Killards Are Coming

Every damn day in Religion Class, Sister Anna Banana yapped about the Soviets revving up to start a nuclear war with the new president, Ronald Reagan. She said after the cities burned to Holy Hell, there’d be something called “nuclear winter” that would kill all... 

Double-Strength Demon Dogs

Fantastic Freddie was the only altar boy from the Red Brick Alley. He was always consecrating Ritz Crackers and trying to make us eat them like communion wafers. He light-fingered incense from the sacristy, and he blessed water from Old Lady Tully’s spigot...

Laser Loop

I couldn’t see over the tall green school bus seat except when we hit a pothole and I bounced up in the air like a Pop-Tart jumping out of a toaster. Nobody at Saint Augie’s could believe I was allowed to go. My first school picnic ever. I was good from the day I handed in my pink...

The Boy Wonder

How the Hell did Jaggerbush get himself up there? He was clawing his way up into the open window above the Science class door like a real-life gargoyle. The blockhead of a wooden mallet stuck out of the back of his Toughskins where his butt crack was. He wore three...

About The Author


Robert Roman grew up in Pittsburgh, PA, where he sold newspapers to cars from a concrete island. Read more→

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  • Robert Roman

My Own Private Ulysses: The Giving Headmistress

The following was inspired by a Top Contributor’s gracious advice regarding my sonnet, “Bloomsday Forecast - Cloudy with a Chance of Gorgonzola.”

“Switch out ‘Gorgonzola’ for ‘history!’”              

My headmistress gives this comic command.             

I like big rebuts, hers is blistery.                 

If I disobey, she’ll leave my ass tanned.             

“I love your irreverence and humour.”                  

Is her heart soft, my hard dominatrix?                

Oh, I wish! But I know she’s a groomer,               

Whose whip hand demands my tropes to turn tricks.     

But I’m down to play Bloom to her Bella.                   

I’m who sketched light verse in this shithouse stall, 

Seeking glory with some Cinderella,         

Deep inside the ink-black hole in the wall.           

Thank God this bond only lies on my phone.       

True-life Devil Girl would crumble my bone. 


Stay tuned for more big rebuts.

Same thick time, same juicy channel.


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